Peace making

To my dear friends, old friends and friends I've never met, thank you so much for all your kind words and support in response to my last post.  My journey here on the farm feels far less lonely knowing that in some ways you may be walking along.  And so I share the continuation of this week's story.

I regret to say that I was unable to hold clarity for most of the week.  I experienced a dark cloud and many tears as I processed the unkind message that was conveyed to me.  I do not blame the individual who spoke the words because his words would have held no power if I did not already believe them somewhere within myself.

I struggled openly in front of my family, they heard me cry and even scream out that "if that neighbor showed up on our property I was going to throw a brick at his head".  I went through many moments of blaming Paul for all the visible imperfections and unfinished projects around the property.  I openly questioned, with all the demands the farm presents, if it was sustainable for us to even live here.

This was an opportunity for self reflection and finding peace within myself.  This process of soul work is not always easy and automatic, it takes honesty and focus and it is work.  This is where one may draw much strength from the foundation of a disciplined spiritual practice.  Before making peace with anyone else I had to make peace with myself.  

I let more than a few meals slide, spent more time with the goats than usual and let the kids watch movies as I retreated to quiet corners of our home for solace.

Little by little I regained my shine.  However, every time I looked out my window in the direction of our neighbor my stomach would turn.  I wondered what really happened and why it happened, I wondered if they knew how bad I was hurting and if we'd ever talk again.

Somewhere in the middle of the night the message came clearly to me, you may pray for peace and you may preach of peace but one must practice peace.  I knew it was time for me to build a bridge of peace towards my neighbor.  

This would be a courageous move.  I feared another verbal attack, I feared that if I spoke so honestly and vulnerably that I'd be accused of emotional instability or hormonal imbalance.  I moved through the fear and with heart pounding made my way to their porch.

When I was greeted at the door I stayed focused on my heart's intent and simply stated that I was there to make peace.  I melted into the embrace of the wife who was too sick to stand in my defense the night I visited.  She then said she'd been having nightmares about us moving and so didn't want us to move.

I then met eyes with the offender.  I again told him how bad his words had hurt me, I told him I had once been called a failure by my viola teacher when I was 12 years old and soon after quit the viola.  I told him over the course of the last couple days I considered quitting farming, but decided instead to let go of my attachment to the outcome.

Our intention for living on the farm goes far deeper than the food we are trying to produce.  We are here to nurture connections, connection to our Creator, connection to ourselves, connection within our family and certainly connection to our neighbors and community.  

With glossy eyes I told them how much I appreciated the generosity they have shown our family and how much I dearly loved them.  And I have to say this is not a conversation or opening one often has with a neighbor, it may have felt a bit awkward for them.  For me though I just went with the honesty that was within me, I stayed focused on my heart's intent of making peace.

And peace was made.  

I also shared with them the outburst I had about throwing the brick and apologized for such a violent suggestion.  They laughed and on the way out they led me to their brick pile just in case I ever needed one. 

I embraced both of them before heading home and felt a lightness that is hard to describe.

I honestly can't remember if an exact apology was made, it didn't matter because I had truly forgiven the individual and the weight of the experience had miraculously been lifted.  

I wonder now of many past experiences that still fester within me at times.  The numerous times I chose to avoid conflict instead of resolving conflict.  

Yes, resolving conflict can be uncomfortable but nothing more could be so healing. So grateful for all this experience has taught me.               

Beautiful Life

Last night I thought it would be a good idea to go to bed early so I sent the boys to do the 9 pm milking.  

It was cold and drizzling outside and just as my head nestled down into the pillow I heard the frantic stomp of muddy farm boots marching their way up the steps.  "Mom - there's something coming out of Yuleme"!  

I could have been quicker finding my way out the barn but honestly I was terrified, you think I'd be cool with birth by now?! I very slowly suited up in my overalls and before I could pull on my boots Paul came running in  - "come quick, the head is out".  James, William and Peter were there calmly encouraging the goat and something very unexpected happened, I bolted from the barn in fear.  Under the light of the moon I experienced full body shakes as if it was I that was about to deliver a baby.  Paul came right behind me shouting "what are you doing? get back in the barn, you can't run from this"! I made the excuse of finding my phone and calling an experienced goat owner, which I did.  I grabbed a handful of flower essences, got down on my knees and said a prayer for courage, then before making it to my feet practiced a few rounds of slow concentrated breathing, my favorite labor tool.

Someone came running in - "the baby's out and there is another one coming".  So back I was in the barn.  I found courage in the look of wonder shared on the faces of my three oldest boys.  James was almost in tears as he whispered, "I have never seen something so amazing in my life".  He was not averse to the stickiness of birth and gently helped clean the little goat kid as Yuleme worked on the next arrival.  And what a relief when she fully appeared.   

 

Here is proud mama Yuleme with her baby buck "Spike" (9lbs) and little doe "Greta" (6 1/2 lbs)

Yuleme is a natural mother and we are allowing the kids to nurse.  Just to be sure they are getting enough though we milk her and offer 6 oz every 4 hours.   Paul and I took the middle of the night shifts but during waking hours the children are more than happy to help with this farm chore.

Somewhere in the middle of caring for and feeding these baby goats, and caring for and feeding my own children I prepared some soup for a family that was ill.  I was very tired but stayed a bit and visited with them because on most occassions I really enjoy their company.  Out of no where I suffered an undeserved verbal attack, it was communicated to me that I was failing in my endeavors as a farmer, that our place was falling apart and I would never live up to the way the previous owners performed as a neighbor. 

I courageously stated that I would bear no more, I looked the individual deep in the eyes and said I was really hurt, that I had been hit to the core of my deepest insecurities.  I validated some of what he said - it is true we have a few busted fences, it is true my husband's career barely allows time for even the minimum hand around the farm, it is true that my garden cultivated giant weeds, it is true the garden beds are untidy and the grapes remain unpruned! It is true that goat blood makes me uneasy, it is true there may be plans and projects that will never be finished, it is true that I may not be physically strong enough to handle a chain saw and even true that there are days both my hair and dishes remain unwashed.  AND I returned with the truth that we all permission to live our lives the best we can.

Looking back there was so much  more I wish I could have said but the truth is by the time I got in the car I was shaking as I had the night before when it was time to attend the goat birth.  And by the time I was parked at home I could not hold back the crying, it was loud and Paul came running out to see what had happened.  Paul encouraged me to look at our surroundings with different eyes, and reminded me that visiting the goats always makes me feel better.  So I did.

My visit with the goats was healing.  I was able to see and feel more clearly.  I spoke truth to myself as life really is and the truth is, Life is more beautiful than any Pinterest board, blog photo or Country Gardens magazine or neighbor could ever cultivate.  Outside individuals may see giant weeds and countless signs of imperfection but I am not here to prove perfection, I am here to gain wholeness.  

Life is not what is externally manipulated, Life is what we manifest from the deepest corners of our soul.  I am not failing Life!   

I see light shining in the eyes of my children. I feel my home quake with laughter and the running of their ever growing legs, I see their curiosity displayed in finger prints and scribbles on my walls, I feel their cry and their relief as I offer what only I can give. 

I wonder with them of the mystery one tiny seed can hold,  I join them in song, and I do it with my whole soul until there are tears in my eyes.  With them I can dance a conversation and drink in a poem, I can find comradere with animals and hear whisperings among leaves.  The site of fresh mud tempts me and the feel of dirt through my hand hypnotizes me. The fierce wind and rain slap my face and I receive this reminder that I am so very much alive.      

I kiss my husband passionately and get lost in his embrace.  I stare up at the stars and wonder about existence beyond time................ 

This is who I am on the inside, this is what I willing choose to manifest, even if it costs me the approval of others. 

Because life is too beautiful to be experienced with only a portion of one's whole soul.

I'm actually grateful for the very unneighborly experience that cracked me open today. It has allowed me further permission to fully live even in the face of many imperfections.     

Food Storage to Furniture

I've been searching for a couple of months for the perfect stool for the desk Paul's mom gave me.  Originally the desk was Paul's grandma's vanity but no one knows what happened to the original stool. I've searched thrift stores, ebay, etsy and antique stores but have not been able to find one that would fit perfectly, I came close but they all were at least 1/2" too wide.

When I came across this tutorial I was interested but very skeptical.  The food bucket actually fit the perfect dimensions I was looking for and since I already had almost everything on hand I gave it a try.  The only thing I had to buy was the foam and was very surprised how expensive it was, luckily it was on sale.

Now for the work of it.  In the tutorial it tells you to draft a pattern and use some "finessing" to pull the cover over the bucket.  My finessing was more like a full body wrestle with the stool and still cannot figure out how they got such a perfect fit.  I ended up folding over a piece to cover the very messy seam that split as I tried to pull it over.

It is not perfect but it works and no one would ever imagine it once was a bucket of oats.  I did weigh down the bucket with a bit of water softner salt but I suppose if the sandbox was not covered in snow I would have dug up some sand for that purpose.  

Here it is again at my desk, it has proved to be the perfect solution and combined with the right fabric looks just right where it rests.  Now the girls are waiting for me to make one for their room.    

  

Country Cooking Club

A neighbor and I make up the country cooking club that meets in my kitchen on Thursday evenings.  As long as the weather is crummy enough to keep us out of our gardens and one of us was able to make the trek to a decent grocery store we cook.  

It started out with my fear of cooking lamb, or possibly even eating lamb.  So we first did a white bean rosemary lamb shank stew and it was delicious!  We also did lamb kafta with fatoush and an incredible lamb shoulder roast.  

I should have been better at keeping a record along the way but honestly there is not much time for pictures and writing notes when there are many mouths to feed.  Here's a few of the recent dishes I did catch:

Ecuadorian Chicken Stew.  What intimidated me the most about this recipe was the achiote paste but that is what made it fabulous.  This was a perfect comfort meal on a freezing Feb. evening.

More recently we  made hassle back potatoes.  We let Clara and Maryanna practice their knife skills on these.  They were fun to make and fun to eat!

We also made lamb liver and onions.  Before cooking this my neighbor taught me the very important lesson on how to properly clean and season a cast iron skillet, and also how to have the patience for transparent onions.   Charlie gobbled the liver up and begged for more.

We also discovered these super simple kale and goat cheese frittata muffins.  The red pepper in them made all the difference although I found when feeding them to my children it required a bit of crumbled bacon and less goat cheese.  These are perfect to pass around during the 20 min drive to church.

This next dish, lemon-pepper soy-ginger lamb heart stir fry, was unexpectedly my favorite.  When I opened the package of lamb liver I did not know the heart was hiding beneath it.  At first I was going to throw it to the dogs but decided to experiment instead.  It was so tender!  We cooked this on an evening when the boys were away so us girls got to enjoy it all to ourselves and Maryanna now says lamb heart is one of her favorite foods.  She also said, "maybe it was so good because we loved the lamb so much and he loved us".  

Recently the temperature has been warming up so we opt to stay outdoors instead of cooking. The girls on the other hand join for their own club.  They are perfecting the recipes from the Mudpie cookbook they got for Christmas.  

And I have to admit it looks tempting, one of these days I'm going to dig in with may hands and join them.

Homeschool News

What I love most about homeschool is the opportunity for spontaneous learning.  Paul was recently sent a rack of Dreamland ribs packed in dry ice.  Before we could even enjoy the ribs the kids begged to experiment with the dry ice, so we did.  James is the science guy around here so I let him lead the demonstration and discussion on frozen carbon dioxide, I even let him clean up the mess.  It is always fun to have an activity that engages everyone. 

On another afternoon I took a few kids to a gem show and they enjoyed soap stone carving demonstrations, talking to vendors about how stones are polished, painting their own fossil like creation a piece of slate and cracking open a geo.  They came home with their very own rock collection.

We also recently discovered diy.org and have been hooked to making all sorts of creative (and messy) projects.  I love the way it integrates right into our homeschool process, this site has supported my trust in child lead learning.  The children select a project, I provide the materials and they are responsible for both the completion and recording of it.  In the end they are rewarded with a virtual badge and are able to share and connect with other children working on similar projects.  

And the reality of our homeschool is we are still struggling in many areas.  The younger half are on the opposite extreme as the older boys, they are still struggling with basics.  I've tried drilling them but honestly that is no fun for any of us.  Instead I've created a visual reminder, just like our alphabet board, the number banner is in constant view and if they flip one or get one mixed up I simply tell them to check the banner and see if they are able to correct the mistake on their own.

My craft and sewing projects are limited to what is needed most and happy that I was able to squeeze the time in to cut out the freezer paper stencils for this project.  It is proving to be very helpful.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to spend my days surrounded by my children.  It is not easy, I'm not sure the responsibility of it meets my capacity, it stretches me, and perhaps that is the most valuable lesson for my children to learn, how to grow into their fullest selves.  The truth is, they will pick up on the things they see me holding, it doesn't require too much planning, it just happens.