In waiting

I thought the baby would arrive weeks ago.  I've been ready but am still waiting.......10 days have passed since my due date.  I have reached this stage with one other pregnancy but forgot how mentally and emotionally taxing it is.

I recently skimmed through the book Birth without Violence and in it I found a phrase that I've set right near my bed:

Strength is......

Sure

Sovereign

and Smiling

Honestly I'm still growing into that phrase.  I showed it to James and he nodded and let a tiny smile crack from one side of his lips - "What!?" I demanded but then answered back before he could; I've been wobbly, needy and crying.  I do not apologize for this but simply recognize that acknowledging one's weakness is the first step towards growing into one's strength.

There have been moments throughout this pregnancy that I've doubted my capacity to care for and guide another child, I'd ask, how am I going to do this? and in my heart I'd be comforted, trust in higher purpose.  I feel that this last week especially I've been expanding into that trust.  

My midwife has been meeting with me every other day and I feel blessed to be physically well and feel the baby active and strong.

  

She has me wondering of divine timing and natural cycles. We live in a world attuned to the timing of an iPhone, where in less than 60 seconds we can access the weather report from 5 different cities around the world, text your sister who lives across the country and instantly receive a response, check on the daily happenings of long lost friends, google how to dye with onion skins and then order a new pair of boots that will show up on your door step within 24 hours.  Isn't that fantastic and frazzling!?

At this moment I feel the need to relax into the peace and stretch of aligning with divine timing and allowing the baby to enter this realm at his or her own appointed time.  I even feel the peace and acceptance of another forecast of a 9 degree low and snow today, it seems to our expectations spring weather is over due as well.

I am taking it one day at a time and am open and listening daily.  I am flexible in changing course if at any time if the message to do so is whispered.

I feel grateful to be surrounded in love and support.  Last week a handful of women and daughters from our homeschool group gathered for a Blessingsway.  They washed my feet in flower petals then rubbed them with oils, we spoke softly of the joys and blessings of motherhood and each presented words of love, encouragement and support.         

A few days later my friend Krissy arrived from San Diego.  She was with me in the days leading up to Charlie's birth and again supporting me in these most challenging days leading up this delivery.  We've been on outings, walked the back field, practiced yoga, laughed, cried and took on a huge painting project with all the kids as a distraction.  

The kids worked on their canvases for two full days all the while dodging puppies, kittens and very independent 2 year old.  It was very messy - many paw prints were soaked up along the way.

Here are their paintings starting with Charlie's 

George's

Henry's

Clara's

Maryanna's

Peter's

William's

James did not finish his yet and Krissy finally convinced me to fill a canvas. I kept it simple, a little verse that will be completed with the addition of baby foot prints.

Krissy impressed all of us with her artistic talent as we watched her painting come to life. This painting was composed as a gift to me at this very special time.  Though Clara joked it should be called "Feeling sorry for herself" Krissy titled it "Look into her eyes". 

Right now Krissy is heading back on a plane to San Diego.  I feel disappointed that the baby did not arrive during her visit but feel immensely grateful for her help and support during this last week of waiting.  I am grateful to have a friend who is able to hold space that allows authentic feelings and emotions to arise.  In her presence I was able to just be even when I did not feel like smiling. We all shed tears at our parting but feel of a blanket of warmth and peace she left behind, it has settled over our whole home.

By now the kids have become comfortable with tears flowing from my eyes at any moment.  George ran to my bedside this morning and asked if I wanted a tissue, upon his delivery he said, "mom, you need to get into nature today".  This was very wise counsel from a 4 year old so we bundled up and stomped through crusted snow and allowed fresh chunky snowflakes blast into our faces.

Walking through the snowy woods reminded me of a friend I got to visit last Sunday.  She has not been feeling well for several months and I carelessly said, "what a horrible winter it must have been for you".  Her response surprised me and instantly shifted my perspective and opened my eyes to greater optimism.  She replied, "this was the most beautiful season" and expressed her gratitude for the opportunity to lay on the couch and watch every snowfall.  She then reminded me that life is continually asking us to return to the beauty and blessing of "now".  This message was a gift to me.

Not sure what day I will be back with news of our arrival or if I'll have more to add in the days to come.  I feel at peace breathing into the patience of waiting and basking in the joy and beauty of "now". 
     

How to survive a really long winter

Not sure what happened to the original words I composed for this post but I'm guessing a 2 year old banged a little too hard on the keyboard in a moment I stepped away.  I hoped to record the feelings and activities from this past winter - but this morning it is spring so I'm having a hard time retrieving the exact words. In this case I will allow the pictures to share the bulk of the story.

This winter was long, it was snowy, the van got stuck several times, the boys were iced over knee down after daily farm chores and hearts were heavy on the day our two ducks did not survive.

There were a variety of snow forts and snow people sculpted and the girls dug a snow cave with several holes and named it the "Holestel".The kids were cooperative in sharing two pairs of cross-country skis and the bees survived! 

Paul relieved us from an unexpected toilet episode and he also cleared lots of snow.  We celebrated birthdays and Valentines and it seems everyday was a costume party.  Oma and Opa treated us with a quick visit, we treated ourselves to indoor s'mores by the fire and on the longest of days spread out indoor picnics.  

We shed tears of gratitude as we feasted on our grass fed beef and spent nights crowded by the fire dreaming of summer projects and future farm plans.

The girls painted through pages of watercolor paper (Maryanna is the artist of the new blog header) while the older boys quietly dove into their individual passions - James performed physics experiments, Peter planned out the garden and started 85 tomato seedlings and William took thousands of photos for stop motion Lego brick films.  As for the younger boys, they took to sword fighting, begging for shows, and making messes whenever the opportunity allowed.  They were harder to contain but the baby wrap hammocks under the table did amuse them for one full day.

I stole away as many naps as I could and cooked pots and pots of warm rice pudding and even more of broth.

We watch with delight the daily growth and bloom of the amaryllis.  We also watched my belly grow and wondered of the new soul that will soon be a part of us.  Brother or sister?  there were many prayers begging for each and honestly a few punches thrown in disagreement over what this sibling may be.

Lastly, the hauling of wood and feeding the fire was constant.  It seems so long ago that we sweated through our 4th of July holiday splitting and stacking wood.  I am amazed at the extremes of the seasons, each with its challenges, joys and beauties.

The snowsuits and boots are washed and packed away, lost mittens have been found and mud boots are lined up on the side porch.  

I am grateful to for the fullness we experienced this winter and also grateful to once again see patches of grass, hear birds sing and welcome spring.