In waiting

I thought the baby would arrive weeks ago.  I've been ready but am still waiting.......10 days have passed since my due date.  I have reached this stage with one other pregnancy but forgot how mentally and emotionally taxing it is.

I recently skimmed through the book Birth without Violence and in it I found a phrase that I've set right near my bed:

Strength is......

Sure

Sovereign

and Smiling

Honestly I'm still growing into that phrase.  I showed it to James and he nodded and let a tiny smile crack from one side of his lips - "What!?" I demanded but then answered back before he could; I've been wobbly, needy and crying.  I do not apologize for this but simply recognize that acknowledging one's weakness is the first step towards growing into one's strength.

There have been moments throughout this pregnancy that I've doubted my capacity to care for and guide another child, I'd ask, how am I going to do this? and in my heart I'd be comforted, trust in higher purpose.  I feel that this last week especially I've been expanding into that trust.  

My midwife has been meeting with me every other day and I feel blessed to be physically well and feel the baby active and strong.

  

She has me wondering of divine timing and natural cycles. We live in a world attuned to the timing of an iPhone, where in less than 60 seconds we can access the weather report from 5 different cities around the world, text your sister who lives across the country and instantly receive a response, check on the daily happenings of long lost friends, google how to dye with onion skins and then order a new pair of boots that will show up on your door step within 24 hours.  Isn't that fantastic and frazzling!?

At this moment I feel the need to relax into the peace and stretch of aligning with divine timing and allowing the baby to enter this realm at his or her own appointed time.  I even feel the peace and acceptance of another forecast of a 9 degree low and snow today, it seems to our expectations spring weather is over due as well.

I am taking it one day at a time and am open and listening daily.  I am flexible in changing course if at any time if the message to do so is whispered.

I feel grateful to be surrounded in love and support.  Last week a handful of women and daughters from our homeschool group gathered for a Blessingsway.  They washed my feet in flower petals then rubbed them with oils, we spoke softly of the joys and blessings of motherhood and each presented words of love, encouragement and support.         

A few days later my friend Krissy arrived from San Diego.  She was with me in the days leading up to Charlie's birth and again supporting me in these most challenging days leading up this delivery.  We've been on outings, walked the back field, practiced yoga, laughed, cried and took on a huge painting project with all the kids as a distraction.  

The kids worked on their canvases for two full days all the while dodging puppies, kittens and very independent 2 year old.  It was very messy - many paw prints were soaked up along the way.

Here are their paintings starting with Charlie's 

George's

Henry's

Clara's

Maryanna's

Peter's

William's

James did not finish his yet and Krissy finally convinced me to fill a canvas. I kept it simple, a little verse that will be completed with the addition of baby foot prints.

Krissy impressed all of us with her artistic talent as we watched her painting come to life. This painting was composed as a gift to me at this very special time.  Though Clara joked it should be called "Feeling sorry for herself" Krissy titled it "Look into her eyes". 

Right now Krissy is heading back on a plane to San Diego.  I feel disappointed that the baby did not arrive during her visit but feel immensely grateful for her help and support during this last week of waiting.  I am grateful to have a friend who is able to hold space that allows authentic feelings and emotions to arise.  In her presence I was able to just be even when I did not feel like smiling. We all shed tears at our parting but feel of a blanket of warmth and peace she left behind, it has settled over our whole home.

By now the kids have become comfortable with tears flowing from my eyes at any moment.  George ran to my bedside this morning and asked if I wanted a tissue, upon his delivery he said, "mom, you need to get into nature today".  This was very wise counsel from a 4 year old so we bundled up and stomped through crusted snow and allowed fresh chunky snowflakes blast into our faces.

Walking through the snowy woods reminded me of a friend I got to visit last Sunday.  She has not been feeling well for several months and I carelessly said, "what a horrible winter it must have been for you".  Her response surprised me and instantly shifted my perspective and opened my eyes to greater optimism.  She replied, "this was the most beautiful season" and expressed her gratitude for the opportunity to lay on the couch and watch every snowfall.  She then reminded me that life is continually asking us to return to the beauty and blessing of "now".  This message was a gift to me.

Not sure what day I will be back with news of our arrival or if I'll have more to add in the days to come.  I feel at peace breathing into the patience of waiting and basking in the joy and beauty of "now". 
     

Scenes of Summer

I present here a photo bomb of our summer.  I do it because the memory of summer is already slipping from me, or perhaps due to the discomforts of early pregnancy, I was never fully present as it was happening.  

Above is an evening scene at the lake around the corner.  When the nights were too muggy to bear I'd call out, "get your suits on and hop in the car, don't worry about shoes - just hop in the car".  Of course there was no delay in their response.  And it was always a treat when Paul ditched the desk and joined us, it eased the strain of me squinting into the sun counting heads.

Other water recreation happened right in our backyard at the pond.     Uncle Dave and his kids joined us for a day of fishing and with a tub of worms they caught several blue gill and a few bass.  

  

Aside from recreation there was the constant of staying on top of work that must be finished before winter.  Splitting and stacking wood was the backdrop of most of our free time in July.  It was how we celebrated the 4th. 

Paul worked hard this summer for sure, and so did the hammock.

Somewhere in July I declared it was so much more fun to work in the swoosh of a pioneer skirt.  I love this farm skirt and got a lot of wear out of it until the buttons finally said "no".

The kids and I went a little wild when an neighbor invited us to collect peacock feathers.  We came home with a basket load and searched through all kinds of amazing peacock feather crafts on Pinterest. We settled on hair pieces.  The girls wore their to church with confidence and we made a few for our favorite friends.

Another amazing craft event I failed to blog about was an indigo dying party hosted by an artistic and experienced farm lady.  Maryanna joined me and we experimented with different folding techniques and tying patterns.  I wish I could tell you the outcome of them but the truth is they are still sitting in a pile waiting for their vinegar soak. The process of dying is always a thrill. 

William, Maryanna and James have committed to weekly riding lessons.  James' interest surprised me the most and there is no denying the sheer joy on his face from the experience.  He says, "riding a horse makes me feel so alive".  William on the other hand exercises his concentration while riding, he does not like to go too fast but enjoys the connection he feels with the horse.  As for Maryanna, she likes to go fast and is constantly begging to do outrageous tricks.  Riding lessons has been a safe place for her to learn boundaries.  Of course all three of them are begging to bring home a horse.

Peter does not have interest in riding, he says he'd prefer a donkey and wagon instead.  He's kept his hands constantly busy knitting this summer.

 

The younger ones have made crafts out of pretty much anything they could find, boxes, duck tape, sticks, string, wrappers, leaves, flowers, fabric......  Along the way they also have made lots of messes and were constant in amusing me with their creativity, instruments, cameras, masks, boats, hats, robots, weapons, knight armor...... 

Whenever out on country roads we'd peel our eyes for garage sales, yard sales, estate sales or better than anything else Barn Sales! The girls scored these vintage hats at one and tried to convince me to buy a collection of salt and pepper shakers to go with them. 

Their school desks have served as the summer hand sewing station.  While quietly occupied I'd sneak a nap on the couch near by and loved waking up to a Calico Critter or My Little Pony fashion show.
  

We enjoyed a visit from my parents and did the trip to Gee Farms for ice cream with them. 

Cousins Anna and Julia spent a few days with us as well.  They loved hanging out with the animals and climbing trees.

Then somewhere at the peak of my most miserable pregnancy days was the community event that I had planned and organized months earlier.  Along with a few other homeschool moms we hosted a lecture and book signing with author Christopher Shein.  He had much to share and inspired us with his knowledge of permaculture and practical gardening.  I admit though I was sipping fizzy water the whole time, pacing to and from the bathroom wishing I was not there (especially when we arrived at the discussion of worm bins).  Luckily my sister in law Eva was there to share my secret and helped me pull myself together.  That and a few other minor miracles made it a night worth having.  I recommend his book to anyone curious about Permaculture. 

  

Paul's travel schedule was intense this summer and I was unable to prepare the normal meals for our family.  At one point I ordered a 15 lb bag of organic corn flakes and left them out on the counter.  After 6 straight meals of it, it was almost gone and the kids had me swear never to offer it again for at least a year. 

In those couple of days Charlie learned how to serve himself.  He loved the independence!

There was a lot of excitement when our tiny library announced a Lego building contest.  They all set to it, the younger kids teamed up and the older kids teamed up.  William could hardly sleep after the submission, he couldn't wait to hear the results.

Both teams won! It turns out there were only 4 entries and 4 prizes.  William is showing off his $20 gift card to the Toy House and the girls got a small Lego set to share.

On our laziest and rainiest of days we watched through the whole Harry Potter series, what's been produced of the Chronicles of Narnia and then settled into the hypnotic rhythm of our favorite audio books.

But mostly this is what I remember of the summer.  The couch, and glad one the kids utilized Instagram to catch a great shot of it.

Paul is more of a realist when he snaps photos.  The one below is the least flattering but probably the most true of my summer.  Laying around under a fan, getting lost in obscure BBC and Korean films, sipping lemon water and wishing there was someone who could come take over my life for a while.  I asked Paul if this was unusual of me but he just laughed at how easy it is that I forget the memory of first trimester misery.  He reminded me of the time when I was just a few weeks into my first pregnancy and broke down in tears at the grocery store, that and many more episodes over the years of bearing children.   

I am so happy to report that I'm finally easing out of the fatigue and nausea.  I am also grateful for all the good times and sweet little smiles and hugs that helped me move through it.  On an evening much like what is captured here Henry said to me before heading to bed, "Mommy, if you need anything in the night, if you need any water or a hug you can come wake me up".  So this is summer to remember, not because the challenge of it, but because it was lived, enjoyed and endured one day at a time.      

Garden report 9 - Abundance and Truth

The garden has spilled out its abundance over the past couple of weeks, every visit offers a basketful.  Sometimes that is a good thing and other times the we are not so sure what to do with it all.

This Hungarian heart tomato was a real treasure - 2 1/2 lbs!  There were others just as big with giant pecks and bites out of them, those sneaky chickens.  The rest were between 1 and 2 lbs each.  This is my new favorite variety and we were careful to save seeds from the best one.

I'm still trying to figure out the timing of tomatoes.  Each week there is more than we can eat but not enough to process.  My sister in law RayAnne suggested quartering them, drizzling with olive oil and broiling them with salt then pureeing them before storing in qt size freezer bags.  

The corn has served as the main course for lunch on several occasions and we were lucky to have two plantings that provided 4 weeks of good eating.  We picked up a chili lime corn seasoning at a local farm shop and it is yummy!

The green peppers were surprisingly gigantic this year.  I have not seen much more of the Hungarian hot peppers, and there is no sign of the ancho, red, yellow or orange peppers, I planted three of each.

The garden bouquets as arranged by Clara and George have been constant.  I have to admit out of all that grows on our property the flowers probably bring the most joy to me, the vegetables may nourish our body but seeing happy flowers in bloom out every window and decorating our table at every meal nourishes my soul.

Here is Clara's garden.  Aside from one cherry tomato plant it is all flowers.  She is not happy about the giant bugs it attracts but will venture out there with scissors anytime the table calls for a new bouquet.

Peter's sunflower house is towering.  It even towers over the weeds and makes the garden such a happy place to visit, not just for us but also birds and bees.

James' gourds are as expected, tidy without a trace of a weeds.  He has always been one to keep things simple and follow rules.  Last year's gourds are all dried and may be the source of focused crafting this fall.

The rest of the garden honestly looks more like a jungle and I'm happy that this Mexican sunflower pushed its way through it.  We collected its seeds from our neighbor last year, they were so tiny and in the mix we free casted over the hugelbeds.

Besides flowers there seems to be green beans growing everywhere, climbing up the sunflowers and even choking out weeds in some cases.  These ones are rattle snake beans and noted for their interesting pattern, but what makes them unique is also reason for the kids to refuse them.

This lofty patch is sorghum, or broom corn.  I wish I knew how to make brooms and I also wish I had a good reason for planting it.  It did very well and aside from feeding the seeds to the chickens I'm not sure what to do with it.  

I had high hopes for the hugelbeds but really they are an ugly mess.  It is hard to find much in them without doing damage to either the bed or other plants.  But next year we'll know for sure,  whatever wants to be permanently established there is still working it out.  In the future however, I'm keeping my "experiments" back towards zone 3.

I was most surprised by the effects of the southwest corner of the first hugelbed.  It had become the wind break to the rest of the garden and suffered much erosion because of it.  You can see not much grew there.

Here are the front beds.  They have been both productive and neglected.  For the first part of summer most of our meals came from this special spot in our front yard. But somewhere around mid July I experienced a huge aversion to most my favorites, kale, lettuce, Swiss chard, cilantro, turnips and beets.  Instead, my tastes turned to German rye with cream cheese, pickles and sauerkraut 3 times a day!  Can you guess why?!  Paul said there was no need for a test this time around, I am growing baby!  And since this is a garden report I will not even attempt to give a sampling of the joy, misery, surprise, fatigue, blessing, peace, nausea and more debilitating nausea that I've been rolling with over the bulk of the summer.  I am hoping my appetite and ability to stomach food preparation will return before the first frost.  And with an arrival of my own expected mid March, I'm already considering what I've learned and what will be realistic for next year's garden.