Beautiful Life

Last night I thought it would be a good idea to go to bed early so I sent the boys to do the 9 pm milking.  

It was cold and drizzling outside and just as my head nestled down into the pillow I heard the frantic stomp of muddy farm boots marching their way up the steps.  "Mom - there's something coming out of Yuleme"!  

I could have been quicker finding my way out the barn but honestly I was terrified, you think I'd be cool with birth by now?! I very slowly suited up in my overalls and before I could pull on my boots Paul came running in  - "come quick, the head is out".  James, William and Peter were there calmly encouraging the goat and something very unexpected happened, I bolted from the barn in fear.  Under the light of the moon I experienced full body shakes as if it was I that was about to deliver a baby.  Paul came right behind me shouting "what are you doing? get back in the barn, you can't run from this"! I made the excuse of finding my phone and calling an experienced goat owner, which I did.  I grabbed a handful of flower essences, got down on my knees and said a prayer for courage, then before making it to my feet practiced a few rounds of slow concentrated breathing, my favorite labor tool.

Someone came running in - "the baby's out and there is another one coming".  So back I was in the barn.  I found courage in the look of wonder shared on the faces of my three oldest boys.  James was almost in tears as he whispered, "I have never seen something so amazing in my life".  He was not averse to the stickiness of birth and gently helped clean the little goat kid as Yuleme worked on the next arrival.  And what a relief when she fully appeared.   

 

Here is proud mama Yuleme with her baby buck "Spike" (9lbs) and little doe "Greta" (6 1/2 lbs)

Yuleme is a natural mother and we are allowing the kids to nurse.  Just to be sure they are getting enough though we milk her and offer 6 oz every 4 hours.   Paul and I took the middle of the night shifts but during waking hours the children are more than happy to help with this farm chore.

Somewhere in the middle of caring for and feeding these baby goats, and caring for and feeding my own children I prepared some soup for a family that was ill.  I was very tired but stayed a bit and visited with them because on most occassions I really enjoy their company.  Out of no where I suffered an undeserved verbal attack, it was communicated to me that I was failing in my endeavors as a farmer, that our place was falling apart and I would never live up to the way the previous owners performed as a neighbor. 

I courageously stated that I would bear no more, I looked the individual deep in the eyes and said I was really hurt, that I had been hit to the core of my deepest insecurities.  I validated some of what he said - it is true we have a few busted fences, it is true my husband's career barely allows time for even the minimum hand around the farm, it is true that my garden cultivated giant weeds, it is true the garden beds are untidy and the grapes remain unpruned! It is true that goat blood makes me uneasy, it is true there may be plans and projects that will never be finished, it is true that I may not be physically strong enough to handle a chain saw and even true that there are days both my hair and dishes remain unwashed.  AND I returned with the truth that we all permission to live our lives the best we can.

Looking back there was so much  more I wish I could have said but the truth is by the time I got in the car I was shaking as I had the night before when it was time to attend the goat birth.  And by the time I was parked at home I could not hold back the crying, it was loud and Paul came running out to see what had happened.  Paul encouraged me to look at our surroundings with different eyes, and reminded me that visiting the goats always makes me feel better.  So I did.

My visit with the goats was healing.  I was able to see and feel more clearly.  I spoke truth to myself as life really is and the truth is, Life is more beautiful than any Pinterest board, blog photo or Country Gardens magazine or neighbor could ever cultivate.  Outside individuals may see giant weeds and countless signs of imperfection but I am not here to prove perfection, I am here to gain wholeness.  

Life is not what is externally manipulated, Life is what we manifest from the deepest corners of our soul.  I am not failing Life!   

I see light shining in the eyes of my children. I feel my home quake with laughter and the running of their ever growing legs, I see their curiosity displayed in finger prints and scribbles on my walls, I feel their cry and their relief as I offer what only I can give. 

I wonder with them of the mystery one tiny seed can hold,  I join them in song, and I do it with my whole soul until there are tears in my eyes.  With them I can dance a conversation and drink in a poem, I can find comradere with animals and hear whisperings among leaves.  The site of fresh mud tempts me and the feel of dirt through my hand hypnotizes me. The fierce wind and rain slap my face and I receive this reminder that I am so very much alive.      

I kiss my husband passionately and get lost in his embrace.  I stare up at the stars and wonder about existence beyond time................ 

This is who I am on the inside, this is what I willing choose to manifest, even if it costs me the approval of others. 

Because life is too beautiful to be experienced with only a portion of one's whole soul.

I'm actually grateful for the very unneighborly experience that cracked me open today. It has allowed me further permission to fully live even in the face of many imperfections.     

Early Christmas

It's been a couple weeks that Paul has been teasing me about a surprise he ordered for me, "it's an early Christmas present and you're going to love it"!, he'd say.  I couldn't be sure of what it'd be but I kept making guesses, begged for clues and continually kept an eye out for the friendly delivery truck.  

At one point I thought Paul may have checked my browser history and discovered I spent some idle moments browsing through the jewelry on the Sundance catalog site, maybe he got me that necklace I kept going back to, I thought. But I had to guess again when he clued me in that the surprise was something the whole family was going to share, a cream separator?  I really want one of those.

But when the small square zazzle box showed up I knew in an instant what the surprise was going to be............a Nubian goat trucker hat!  That was also on my browser history from several weeks back.  And so it was and I'm now an official "goat lady".  

      

 I love these lady goats and I believe the feeling is mutual.

I also love that I can wear whatever the heck I feel like here on the farm, it seems I've been taking fashion cues from my 5 year old daughter and it is liberating.

Paul was right when he said it was a gift that the whole family was going to want to share.  Out of all the children Maryanna and William love the goats the  most so they were first in line to borrow the hat.

George loves the goats too, he rarely misses a milking, but it was hard to keep the hat on him long enough for a photo.  

Here's what I caught instead, him independently milking the rocking horse.  Really this should be videoed because he has the process down just right, he cleaned the pretend teats, put the first few squirts in a tiny cup and offered it to some tiny animals. Then he proceeded to milk alternating both hands and making a squirting noise with his mouth.  When he was finished he brought it over to the little wooden play kitchen and strained the milk into a little container.  

This boy is so funny he may deserve his very own youth sized Nubian goat trucker hat or T-shirt, maybe for Christmas.......or an early Christmas.

Picture Perfect Moments

It has been a long week so don't let this lovely photo fool you.  

Paul's been traveling midweek for the third week in a row and I'm simply tired.  I've been doing all the milking and the truth is, by the end of the night and again in the morning I have to push myself out the door to do it.  But in the end I'm actually finding it to offer a short break and relief from the more noisy routine that happens inside.  

Maryanna is my morning milking partner and the way she sings to the animals (goats, chickens and kittens) simply melts me.  I caught this glimpse of her hugging the goats in the morning sunlight as I was mixing some herbs for the goats, I instantly dashed inside for my camera.  It was worth the dash, a bit of spilled milk and fresh grim on my camera.

I am finding this life on the farm, even with all the added work, supports me, it fills me in little moments as pictured above in a way that I personally could not find elsewhere. 

Last night when I thought I could not wash another dish, pick up another toy, mediate another sibling quarrel or comfort my crying newborn I lashed out on the phone to Paul, I said I simply could not handle it all on my own.  Of course he was quick to finish that call but I had to head out to do the milking anyway.  

Good thing because there is something about milking that sets my heart right again.  Maybe because if I'm not still the goats might kick and knock the milk over, maybe it is the warmth of their bodies next to mine or perhaps it is the mindless and rhythmical task of using my hands.  Whatever it is I'm getting more than just milk out of the process.  

It is cold here again, so cold that the wood stove is filled and burning.  The beautiful dogwood tree that was photographed just one post previous lost all its fresh bloom with the shocking drop in temperature.  I'm so glad I caught that brief moment on camera.  

A few nights ago as I was milking I noticed it was so cold that William had curled up in a pile of fresh straw to warm up, he looked as if he was ready to fall asleep, it seemed so natural that it didn't phase me at first but then I wished I had my camera to capture it.  

Then there was last night, the night that I made it very clear to Paul over the phone that I had enough of his traveling for now.  I stepped outside to do the milking and on the way back the moon and sky were so brilliant, I would have snapped a photo of it but I didn't have my camera and I don't know how to use night settings anyway.  So I will simply try to share with words that picture perfect moment, how the clear night sky filled me and how it was the stars that reminded me that I was not as alone in my struggles as I had thought.  It was as if they were appearing out of no where.  I sat there with Henry and we drank it in until I remembered James had been left inside with a fussy baby.  With a still heart and peaceful breath back into me it took little effort to get both Henry and little Charles settled down for the night.  

Clara on the other hand was still resisting sleep.  Instead of fighting it I invited her to keep me company while I finished the dishes. As reward when I was through we bundled up and took another drink of the night sky.  She had much to say about what we observed but I was too tired to remember the details.  It was another picture perfect moment that will simply be recorded with just a few words.

My life is not perfect, I suppose I could pretend it was by only posting beautiful photos but the truth is I have many ugly, boring, cluttered and out of focused photos to prove otherwise.  Besides, it is not a collection of photos that make up a beautiful life, it is moments themselves, whether recorded or not, because it is the moments, and how we choose to respond and appreciate them, that make up who we are becoming.  And who we were, are and are to become make up a life worth living, picture or no picture that is what makes life beautiful.      

Feeding Time

Feeding times are what rule our family's new rhythm.  It's forcing me out of bed early and demanding that everyone else is also up and playing their part.

My part has been more than demanding moving from nursing Charles, cooking breakfast, milking goats, bottle feeding baby goats and back again to nursing my own baby.  Childcare mixed with goat care is certainly an interesting process but we are smitten with these sweet animals and finding so much joy in their care.

I've already described my feelings to a few friends........I've never been more stretched and tired in all my life yet I've never been so alive.

Peter is feeding "Yagi" above and William is feeding "Sachi".  They are nicknamed the "greedies" because they finish their bottles so fast and jump all over in hopes to steal from the other two, Princess and Zara, who have a harder time taking the bottle.

Princess and Zara have been mostly successful in nursing but we like to feed a bit of the milk back to them to be sure they are getting what they need.  But getting those two to take a bottle is harder so it usually falls (literally) in my lap.

Here I am trying to make it work with Charles in a sling.  It was as awkward as it looks but Princess finally took what she needed and Charles slept through the whole process.  They may be developing a special bond to each other.

Charles cries a lot when he's not being held so sometimes it is easier to just keep him wrapped to me while I'm concentrating on goat care, even during the milkings.  But I have recently become more demanding in having the oldest brother exercise his patience in caring for a crying baby, it has been good for all of us.  James is developing the magic touch with his youngest brother and they are definitely developing a special bond.

From one feeding time.......

.....to another.

Feeding time is not just for the one offering and the one consuming, it is a peaceful time where the other younger children and other animals like to gather.  Here are a few of them not too far from my seat quietly enjoying feeding time on this unusually warm day.  I love when they are all so still and near, it is rare. 

Here is Clara and Pickles and then Henry soaking up some sun.

Off to bed, the baby goats only require 3 feedings a day but Charles is nursing round the clock every 3-4 hours so if I'm not busy feeding someone it would be wise to rest.

Guess Who?

It's Arabella, the 3 year old Nubian goat that just joined our farm this weekend.  She is here with her two babies and another doe, Yuleme, and her two babies.  Our friends needed to find an immediate home for these ladies and we were more than happy to help them out.

Of course we transported them in the back of the family van.

And my kids think the kids are irresistible.  They have named them Princess, Zara, Sachi (Japanese for bliss) and Yagi (Japanese for goat).

These animals have taken our farm experience to a whole new level, there's too much to say about that now.  So how will we manage?

With one very willing to learn and do farmer Dad.......

and a newborn baby wrapped on my back.  Let the milking adventure begin!