In Gratitude

Yesterday, we had exciting plans to head out in search of a Christmas tree and bring all the holiday boxes down from the barn; however, before 12 pm, the mood of the day took a quick turn on me, and there was an immediate call to rein in and find a quiet corner for peace.

It was late into the evening the night before, that Paul had informed me of some shaking news from his cousin, as a young husband and father his cousin had been diagnosed with cancer.  Though we are responding with great hope for his healing and are supporting him with our prayers, this news coincided with my sister Julie's birthday and I found myself blindsided with a wave of grief, anger and rage that I have not felt in years since her passing.

In this state, I was unable to hold space for the festivities planned or even the simplest of tasks that are required of me on a typical day. Instead, I gave myself permission to process as needed in order to heal this resurfacing wound. For me, I recognize the importance of allowing myself to feel fully what I am feeling, without judging myself or stuffing it away further into my soul.  I recognize the importance of reaching out to a compassionate listener, and most importantly quieting my soul for whisperings of comfort and truth from the Spirit. 

My take away from this experience has flooded me with a gratitude that returned me to what really matters in this life, it has shifted me from a place in "the Christmas crazies" that plaques our society to a space of simple peace.

Will we still decorate for Christmas?  Of course! And we will do so slowly.  Will I finish all the planned crafts, baking and sewing? no. And does it matter? Of course not.  Will there be presents wrapped? Yes! though fewer, they will be selected with the individual in mind. 

Before heading to bed last night Paul requested my Christmas "wish list". Honestly he spoils me so I have to be careful of what I wish for, I gave it some thought and even checked a few online vendors for ideas.  But in the state of gratitude and peace I was experiencing I could not think of anything that I really wanted.  I was reminded of a recent quote from Elder Bednar, "A grateful person is rich in contentment. An ungrateful person suffers in the poverty of endless discontentment (see Luke 12:15)."

I responded with "less presents, and more presence".  I say that to myself as well, it is so much easier to buy and wrap something than to be fully available to the ones we love. And the days in which we offer gifts are not reserved for one season, gifts of love and presence may be offered at every interpersonal interaction that greet us daily.  Is that not how Christ lived his life? 

To enter the Christmas season with presence and gratitude lightens me and it is my hope that I may not be swayed, that I may be wise in allowing space for a daily remembering.  That I might recognize that the blessings in my life are abundant, and the blessings of the knowledge of our purpose here on earth and role and mission of the Savior Jesus Christ as offered to all who have ever lived, is priceless.