The purpose in doing nothing

Life's been slow around here, it's been full but it's been slow.  And I'm really enjoying it.

With almost all my previous births I exerted way too much force in getting back to "normal", including squeezing myself into regular jeans prematurely and toting a newborn all around town.  Not this time, it's been a month of pj's and yoga pants with little more to do than sleep, eat and cuddle a sweet baby.

So how have we managed?  On delicious meals from friends and family, food prepared and frozen weeks in advance, boxed cereal, toast, bananas, and eggs fresh from our hens and ducks.  Paul has also played more than his regular part in the kitchen mastering omelets, apple crisp, tortilla espanola and all the dirty dishes.

I've simply been present to keep the rhythm flowing from mealtimes to playtime, go outside time and clean up and quiet times.  I've relied heavily on the older children to assist the younger ones in these processes.  The house is far from being clean, so is all the laundry, but my body has continually told me to sit, to rest and let things go...........

Including homeschool.  The older boys have continued independently on most of their subjects and have used this "vacation" to race each other once more through the Harry Potter series and now on to Lord of the Rings.  

The girls on the other hand could honestly use a lot more academic attention.  But this break from trying to teach them has allowed them the opportunity to teach me.  It has been in the soft corners of my bed that they have taught me how to watch the sun rise and snow fall.  They have shown me how to look at the moon from the eyes of a child and the significance of a lone lady bug on the window.  They have chatted about life before birth and just as care freely about life after death.  They have sung me the sweetest self composed lullabies and even offered to clean out the grim from under my nails.  I am really enjoying this time of doing nothing with my girls.   

That said, I was still a little sheepish in admitting the details of my lazy days and slow recovery to a neighbor.  But she was quick to send out an email full of support and wisdom.  The words she composed were just what I needed to hear, it is a message we rarely hear in our "get 'er done world" so I'll post it here for those who may need it just as I did.

Yes re slow recovery, I think you are just deeply needing a break after the last year and a half - so many changes, challenges, good times, triumphs.  I know it's been a wonderful, wonderful time, but hard work, good times and intense emotions wear you out just as much as their depressing counterparts.  Sometimes it doesn't catch up with you until you slow down and let it - your midwife was absolutely right to make you take a few weeks off, but I think that respite allowed your deeper need for a contemplative period to come to the surface.  I know Commander Cody says "you can't never have too much fun", but you can have too much intense activity and not enough time for your underground self to catch up.  Dr Beth prescribes lots of naps, restraining the impulse to start all the projects you've always wanted to do at once, and just drifting for a while - let the rhythm of the house, the children, the farm, Paul, the seasons, your dreams, just carry you for a while, like an otter floating on its back on the current of a river.  Sometimes more than anything else you need what my brother calls 'fire-gazing time' - your conscious self has to take some time off so that your subconscious can sort, organize, file, sift, reflect, learn, absorb, adjust.  It's a classic case of not being able to do 2 things at once. Your active self will come back online with surprising vigor when your subconscious is finished with what it needs to do - trust me.

That was a hard lesson for me to learn in my own life.  I think we tend to over-value our conscious selves and sometimes we even think that that is all we are - the conscious part.  But that is so much less than the whole, and the subconscious part has its own imperatives.  And when it has work to do it just takes the necessary time, and you suddenly find yourself spending huge amounts of time staring out the window or looking into the fire and 'not getting anything done'.  No reason to fight it - it's the place where you consolidate gains and from which you can go in new directions, and it's as necessary to our health and sanity as sleep is.

And so below I share with you a few of my favorite gazing spots.

Now this morning I thought to hop out of bed early and surprise everyone with a huge stack of hot pancakes, I actually had energy for it.  But before I could act on it Henry had tip toed to my bedside and before I could pursuade him to come down and help me Maryanna had joined us.  She was first to spot the emerging sun and together they stood pressed up against the window announcing to me the second by second movements into the sky.  That was more satisfying than hot pancakes.  That is exactly how every Sunday should begin.

And so it has been, for the past month now.  This recovery time has been so much more than simply laying around in lounge wear, it has been a month long meditation as refreshing as a month of Sundays.  And though I have nothing to show for it, I am convinced there has been great purpose in it.