Hard Lessons from a Hard Drive

I don't know what happened. I was watching conference on my bed with Maryanna. She fell asleep, or I thought she was asleep, so I left her there with conference still running and I joined Paul in the family room. When we were through and fully edified from the messages we heard, I grabbed my laptop and found the screen had gone blank. I plugged it in and started it up but the screen was still blank. After finally booting up I was surprised to see my screen saver was gone as was my cluttered desktop - I checked my photo library and it was empty. All of my files except my 2007 slide show are gone. In disbelief I gasped and slapped my hands against the floor below me. I desperately asked Paul to help and tell me it didn't happen. Again, I don't know what happened but Paul did say when he stepped into our room earlier he caught Maryanna banging on all sorts of buttons and set my laptop out of her reach.

I don't know if a 3 year old is capable of crashing a computer but she does have a destructive history.  At age 1 she pulled out all the door stops in our entire house, made dents in the wall next to her crib where she successfully peeled away paint and plaster, age 2 tore apart the foot of her Jenny Lind bed and pulled the handle off our Sub-Zero fridge, age 3 pulled off her closet door and disassembled the doorknob to the downstairs bathroom, all with her bare little hands. I don't blame her but I do blame myself for leaving her unattended.

I also blame myself for not moving all my photos over to my external hard drive, I only got through 2004-2006.  Over the past couple months the thought kept coming to me to back up my photos.  I did make several burn folders but was frustrated when an error occurred during the burn process.  But it would have been just as easy to sync up to my external hard drive and save them there.  I didn't and I don't know why, I'm kicking myself and on the verge of tears.  There's something about a computer that sucks you in and is so distracting.  I'm sure every time I opened it up to move the photos over I let the time pass reading blogs, checking out facebook, or browsing through fabric at my favorite online vendors.   It would have been so easy to move them over but I didn't.  All I can do now is go to my appointment at the the Apple genius bar and hope there is something they can do to help.  If not?  I'm preparing myself mentally for that.

Here are some of my thoughts.....first of all there are worse things that could happen. But my mind is racing with deep thoughts and questions.

Are memories only as good as the photos we have recording them? Can memories be tangible without a photo to prove they happened? Does our dependence on visual files let our mind's ability to be photographic diminish? Am I not taking enough mental images? When in the moment of a memory have I become too obsessed with recording it that it interferes with the overall experience? Before the age of photos how were images recorded? Before even the age of written word how were memories recorded? Am I using enough imagery in the stories I tell of my own childhood?  Does our obsession with the virtual world diminish our ability to make real memories?

In addition to these questions the kids have been debating and challenging me on the law of conservation of mass/matter. This leads to more questions. My photo files were created - but out of what? When I used film they were certainly tangible matter but what is it with digital? Could they actually be completely destroyed....gone forever?

If they are gone does it change me? I wrote this poem back in November and now after this loss I ask myself am I any different? What if more were lost such as my laptop itself, my camera, sewing machine, or other favorite "things"?  Perhaps it would "shake" me but hopefully just enough me to remind me of what is really important.      

Still, I am sad. It's time to set aside sewing projects, shut this laptop and find a tangle pen and journal and record all that I can remember from the past two years.  And the words from my kind husband..... "I guess it's time to make more memories".