Peace making

To my dear friends, old friends and friends I've never met, thank you so much for all your kind words and support in response to my last post.  My journey here on the farm feels far less lonely knowing that in some ways you may be walking along.  And so I share the continuation of this week's story.

I regret to say that I was unable to hold clarity for most of the week.  I experienced a dark cloud and many tears as I processed the unkind message that was conveyed to me.  I do not blame the individual who spoke the words because his words would have held no power if I did not already believe them somewhere within myself.

I struggled openly in front of my family, they heard me cry and even scream out that "if that neighbor showed up on our property I was going to throw a brick at his head".  I went through many moments of blaming Paul for all the visible imperfections and unfinished projects around the property.  I openly questioned, with all the demands the farm presents, if it was sustainable for us to even live here.

This was an opportunity for self reflection and finding peace within myself.  This process of soul work is not always easy and automatic, it takes honesty and focus and it is work.  This is where one may draw much strength from the foundation of a disciplined spiritual practice.  Before making peace with anyone else I had to make peace with myself.  

I let more than a few meals slide, spent more time with the goats than usual and let the kids watch movies as I retreated to quiet corners of our home for solace.

Little by little I regained my shine.  However, every time I looked out my window in the direction of our neighbor my stomach would turn.  I wondered what really happened and why it happened, I wondered if they knew how bad I was hurting and if we'd ever talk again.

Somewhere in the middle of the night the message came clearly to me, you may pray for peace and you may preach of peace but one must practice peace.  I knew it was time for me to build a bridge of peace towards my neighbor.  

This would be a courageous move.  I feared another verbal attack, I feared that if I spoke so honestly and vulnerably that I'd be accused of emotional instability or hormonal imbalance.  I moved through the fear and with heart pounding made my way to their porch.

When I was greeted at the door I stayed focused on my heart's intent and simply stated that I was there to make peace.  I melted into the embrace of the wife who was too sick to stand in my defense the night I visited.  She then said she'd been having nightmares about us moving and so didn't want us to move.

I then met eyes with the offender.  I again told him how bad his words had hurt me, I told him I had once been called a failure by my viola teacher when I was 12 years old and soon after quit the viola.  I told him over the course of the last couple days I considered quitting farming, but decided instead to let go of my attachment to the outcome.

Our intention for living on the farm goes far deeper than the food we are trying to produce.  We are here to nurture connections, connection to our Creator, connection to ourselves, connection within our family and certainly connection to our neighbors and community.  

With glossy eyes I told them how much I appreciated the generosity they have shown our family and how much I dearly loved them.  And I have to say this is not a conversation or opening one often has with a neighbor, it may have felt a bit awkward for them.  For me though I just went with the honesty that was within me, I stayed focused on my heart's intent of making peace.

And peace was made.  

I also shared with them the outburst I had about throwing the brick and apologized for such a violent suggestion.  They laughed and on the way out they led me to their brick pile just in case I ever needed one. 

I embraced both of them before heading home and felt a lightness that is hard to describe.

I honestly can't remember if an exact apology was made, it didn't matter because I had truly forgiven the individual and the weight of the experience had miraculously been lifted.  

I wonder now of many past experiences that still fester within me at times.  The numerous times I chose to avoid conflict instead of resolving conflict.  

Yes, resolving conflict can be uncomfortable but nothing more could be so healing. So grateful for all this experience has taught me.