Reclaiming One's Self

It has been six months since the birth of sweet Naomi.  Her unusual calmness and dimpled smile has been a gift and blessing to our family as I've struggled to find my footing as mother of nine children. 

The recovery from a c-section nearly swallowed me.  I suffered emotionally as I wondered why her delivery had to happen as it did, I wondered if my body had failed me.  I suffered physically and wondered when I would return to the normal demands of my life including digging in the garden, carrying a toddler, handling goats, huge loads of laundry, and huge pots of oatmeal without the discomfort, tugging and reminder at the incision site.  I had to let most of it go - and despite what was shared on Instagram these last six months, it has not been pretty.

I suppose it may have just been my perception that was off because no one else was complaining.  In fact I was well supported by those who love me most.  Paul's mom was constant in keeping our freezer stocked with meals and baked goods. James took on the toddler nap time duty (but then made the mistake of teaching the toddler how to climb in and out of his crib by himself), James also cooked and cleaned up months of warm dinners. William took over most of the puppy and animal care, Peter took charge of the garden all on his own, Maryanna became my laundry assistant, Clara became an extra set of arms for Naomi and and extra set of eyes for Charlie, Henry was constant in emptying the dishwasher, collecting fresh (but sometimes rotten) eggs and picking tomatoes, George learned how to make sandwiches for crowd and pick and chop eggplant. And Charlie learned "you got a big big owie on your tummy and I be so so gentle". 

Paul too took on extra chores as he juggled his weekly business trips with trips to the grocery store.  He mastered yummy refried black beans and when I was especially in need of rest took me and Naomi to Florida for a weekend.  And I am most grateful for the way he grew in his patience as a compassionate listener.

I am also grateful to those in my church and in my community who stepped in as support.  On a day when I was bedridden with mastitis and kids were fighting and hungry downstairs I cried out loud:  "I just wish someone would show up and help me cook lunch".  Not a half hour later I could smell tortillas cooking and an adult voice in the kitchen.  I was too shocked to stay in bed so I tipped toed down still in my pjs to see my Relief Society president cooking lunch! She said she was in the area and just had a feeling to stop by. 

Later in the summer we suffered tragic loss amongst our goat herd.  Paul was away so my farm lady friends assisted in the tender care of dying goats and even helped dig a grave. They reassured me of my ability to care for animals and then hugged and comforted me when a dear friend passed away within weeks of losing the goats.   

This past season was heavy on me and learning to accept help from others was humbling.  I realized I had been wrong to allow my self worth to be wrapped up in superficial strength, in what I could do, accomplish and give rather than truth of who I am. I had created imbalance in my life and in relationships in only wanting to play the role of giver.  I am grateful for this season where so many have served me, these experiences have both taught me and melted me, learning to receive has opened my heart to a greater capacity to feel love and connection to others.

The challenges of these past six months also led to the pondering of self care.  What is self care? Is it selfish? Is there a way that it can be integrated in the care of young children? and a farm? How can the family unit support each individual?  How do we support the family unit as individuals? 

These are the questions I've been pondering while catching up on months worth of house keeping, scrubbing, sweeping, dusting and more pondering.  These are the questions that have led to the spontaneous tearing down of wall paper, pulling up of carpet, swapping out of furniture, switching of bedrooms and clearing out of stuff that is no longer serving the highest good of our family.

I have not reached the full extent of answers to those question but I do feel in the pondering I am finding my feet and reclaiming pieces of me that I never knew existed, pieces that would in turn allow me to be of greater service to others.