"Years of Wonder" lecture

For our date night this weekend Paul took me to a free lecture at the Waldorf school .   The guest speaker was Sharifa Oppenheimer and although I've never read her book or even heard of her before I left with pages of notes and practical tips that I was ready to implement immediately.  This message was just thing I needed after weeks and even months of struggling to get our family routine or "rhythm" back to normal. 

The legs of the star are what holds the family up.  Beginning with family rhythms (daily/weekly routines, yearly festivals) I learned that the most important part of the day is bedtime.  I've been doing it all wrong!  I was putting so much energy into the morning routine that by the time bedtime came around I was burned out and would let it go telling myself "tomorrow we'll try again".  The problem with that was overtired kids and waking up to a really messy house.  

Sharifa suggested that bedtime is the beginning and bedtime determines the morning.  It is worth the effort to get children to sleep and even advised that for children to be well behaved, happy and focused they should be sleeping 12 hrs.  A good night's sleep is sure to alleviate many discipline problems.  

In order for children to get to sleep it is important to be consistent in the routine.  We are still working on our ideal routine, we experimented tonight with warm milk and honey served to the younger ones as we read scriptures but that proved to be a bad idea.  It was messy and distracting.  

Resistance hit us soon after as we marched them upstairs but we were firm and kind repeating Sharifa's phrase "this is the way we do it" in a tone that one might say "please pass the butter".  We had 6 in bed by 8:30 with 3 of them sleeping.  That may not sound impressive to most families but to us that is encouraging progress.

Included under daily routines were meals.  We actually heard a lot about that this last General Conference and we do a pretty good at sitting all together.  What we could improve on however is fine tuning teaching table manners and having better, more engaging conversations.        

We certainly would add family scripture study and family prayer to our daily routine and family home evening and church attendance to  weekly routines.

Yearly festivals are the fun traditions around seasons, holidays and birthdays.  Sharifa suggested that these traditions and routines help a young child understand sequencing and make them feel very secure.  Traditions can grow and layers added to each one as children grow, when they are young the traditions don't have to be so complicated.

Interjected in the middle of my notes in all caps I found the following:

IT TAKES A LOT OF WORK TO MAKE A FAMILY FUNCTION

I can't remember if she said it or if it was my own response to what was presented so far.

Moving onto the next leg "family work & play" it is important to have both.  When everyone is pitching in there is time for both.  If resistance to work occurs we are to offer such phrases as "We need you"!  "We are a family" "What would we do without you".  I certainly threw a few of those around today and coupled with a hug it actually worked - even better than raising my voice.

There wasn't much said about the arms of the star, child's play and child's artistic expression, I believe those were for the weekend conference which I wish I would have planned to attend.  She did mention however how important "free play" is.  I often hear this but it is always a good reminder.  I was especially encouraged when I heard that freedom in play actually helps children develop leadership skills such as courage, creativity, self regulation and problem solving.  It is nice to sit back guilt free.

Now for the main focus of her lecture.... discipline.  The secret is when all other arms are in balance there is little need for discipline.  When the discipline moment arises the most important thing is to keep a "cool head" and not get too emotional (not very easy when a child dumps a cup of milk on you while you are nursing a baby and you've only got a few minutes until you've got to get out the door).  When we react with anger children get the wrong message and we are unable to teach what is needed at that moment.  We can say things (again in the same tone as "please pass the butter") like "I'm your helper", "I am teaching you things that will benefit you throughout your life" or "that is not the way we do it in our family".

Another tip was not to over use "No" but instead answer with "not in this way" or "not in this place".

It is important to study our children (also heard that one recently at General Conference), doing so will help us make changes in our rhythms to help restore balance.

It is also important to study ourselves as we may be the cause of imbalance in our families.  In every circumstance we must shed warmth and cheer, even in chaos.

Finally we were reminded that families help us be our best selves.  Again, I have heard that from several sources and I know that is true and makes all the work that I wrote so boldly in caps earlier worth it.

I certainly enjoyed the message we heard.  It was consistent with my other favorite sources for parenting advice including Elder Gene R. Cook's book Raising a Family Up Unto the Lord, the Moore's Home Grown Kids , the Eyre's Teaching Your Children Values , Merrilee Boyack's The Parenting Breakthrough , the DeMille's Core and Love of Learning: a Recipe for Success , Nicholeen Peck's Teaching Self Government , and Marie Rick's Teaching Children to Work .  Looks like now I should add Sharifa's Our Heaven on Earth .

And for those who actually made it to the bottom of my notes I'll treat you with a bit of my superficial side.  The last thing I got from the lecture was you don't have to color or dye your hair even when you start to gray (just found a few and was tempted to go back to highlights).  Sharifa had beautiful wavy white hair and the rest of the Waldorf attendees (at least the ones sitting in front of me) were on their way to gray but wore it with the least bit of self consciousness.  That inspired me.

Of course, they were selling books and all sorts of other materials outside the lecture area.  I'm normally a sucker for these things.  But Paul read my mind and had obviously listened and learned well from Sharifa.  In an impeccable "please pass the butter" voice he said "you know Sweetheart, I think that would be a wonderful idea.....and I'm not saying you can't buy it....but just not at this time".

It's good to have that guy on my team.